The Waiting Days In The Fire Exit

There’s a dark part of my life that I am not proud of. It’s the sliver of my existence that I wanted to forget, totally delete in my mind, and trash irretrievably to the bin. For years, I steered clear of it and hid the facts and fragments in denial. I desired oblivion. I yearned for peace of mind. I craved for a new beginning. I escaped reality and re-routed myself southbound. But it didn’t stop from haunting me. I really had to face it.

“Hello”

It was a run of the mill Wednesday night when the usual public defiled the premises of Boni MRT Station and its vicinity. I was sitting inside Wendy’s together with someone who was with me in that murky era of my life. After 3 long years or so, I finally made a step to talk to her and shed light on “some” things left unfinished.

“Abhorrence”

Hate is something one can live without though I can’t really blame her for her gripe. I RUINED HER LIFE. That’s it. There’s no one to blame but me. “Sorry” won’t be enough to mend all the damages that I caused and forgiveness cannot be granted over french-fries, chocolate sundae, and uneaten sandwich. It cannot be given overnight. I know it will take time.

“Guts”

I was there to extend my sincerest apology and to confirm the souvenir. No other intentions implied. I reached out. That’s the most I could do and I have nothing to offer. I only have guts I think, but I don’t have cash. I only have a heart but I don’t have the ability to earn for more than one mouth. That’s a fact.

“Calculations and Distrust”

Looking back, I left her for the better of me. OK. I betrayed her because I was selfish. Fine. I did what’s right. If it is not worth fighting for anymore then it’s not worth staying for. It’s as simple as that.

Trust. I thought it was impossible to create life when the situation is not fertile. Lying about dates and numbers will definitely destroy the flow of the organized method that partners follow.

Trust. A very important thing.

Trust. I broke.

Trust. Did she do it on purpose or she just didn’t catch up?

Trust. I wish I could turn back years and used it.

“End”

This is not about aversion, elusion, or revival. This is not about immaturity, infidelity, or lies. The spark had been gone a long time ago. The flames had been put out by time and ugly circumstances. Yeah my heart was relieved and my mind found its peace. Thank you.

This is about closure for the both of us, yet an actuation of something complex and oppressed.

This is about something that (whether we like it or not) will still keep us attached to each other in a way. Something that will stir regret and acceptance in a cup of hot and strong reality.

A child.

Our daughter.

HIT ME

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