Weekly Pseudo Horoscope

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Throwing up inside your knapsack isn’t a cool thing, especially in front of your partner. Two bottles of beer will be enough in order to survive that long bus trip after the party on Tuesday. Stay away from the finger food too.

Love:

You don’t have to worry about anything. The “hot badminton buddy” is just an imaginary person made up by your partner to make you jealous.

Career:

The salary adjustment that your boss promised you won’t reflect on the next pay-day. It will never even happen. The SMS wasn’t supposed to be for you.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Nobody will “Like” and comment on your supposedly funny Facebook status. Think of something else like a witty one-liner implying you are bisexual or that you met your real biological father. Catching people’s attention won’t be easy this week. Try next month.

Love:

You are blessed with a very honest partner. If he say you look ugly in your dress, it’s true.

Career:

Patience pays. Don’t sign your present contract and wait for the other company to call you. The pay is higher there and the job is way better.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 21)

You will eventually get caught by a policeman for jaywalking. That’s why you should always use the footbridge. It will also help you burn down the unwanted fats that you are complaining about. Avoid riding cabs with plate numbers ending with 5. The driver will talk to you about beer belly.

Love:

Check his phone’s sent items. He will be so busy at work this week that he will forget to delete the “suspicious” messages. Sneak in to his photo gallery too if you want a bigger surprise.

Career:

Jobs don’t just knock on your door. Try looking for one.

Cancer

(June 22 – July 22)

Refrain from using Facetime and playing Candy Crush while inside the toilet. You will drop your gadget in the bowl while flushing your “color bombs”. Divine.

Love:

Prepare yourself for something that your partner will do on Thursday. It will totally blow you away.

Career:

You are too young to retire and too old to change career. Stick to your job.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Overcome your fear of water. The pool on Tuesday’s venue is only 4 ft. deep and your stars accurately guarantee that there will be no sharks in there. It’s not also too late to learn how to swim.

Love:

On Wednesday, you will finally meet your long time chat mate and she will finally reveal that she’s a “he”.

Career:

On Thursday, you will finally be employed and your boss will be, coincidentally, “him”.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

A huge realization will come into you this week: “Call Me Maybe” is not a hit anymore. You will finally delete that song in your MP3 player after playing it for the last time on Wednesday.

Love:

Stalking your ex and your ex’ ex is pathetic. Move on and be busy on other things. Continue looking for a new love or start a new interesting hobby like scrap-booking, baking cupcakes, or collecting old coins.

Career:

Irate customers will be aplenty this week. The 11th one will be a frank call. Drop it or transfer it to the Spanish department.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Lessen your green peas addiction. It will give you unpredictable and uncontrollable gas moments especially while inside your building’s shaky elevator. People won’t be able to tolerate your loud and smelly fart and they will be disgusted with you forever.

Love:

Love is just around you. Don’t waste your time looking for it because it will definitely come. But before anything else, you have to discover some important things in life like tissue paper, toothpaste, soap, and shampoo.

Career:

On Wednesday, don’t tire yourself by running and don’t waste your time and money fetching a taxi if you will be late for work. You’ll get fired anyway.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

  Have your eye glasses fixed before Friday. You might end up putting sugar on your sunny side up and depositing a lot of money in the wrong bank account. Don’t even think of wearing your doll eyes contact lens without its pair.

Love:

You’ll have the sweetest movie date of your entire life. Don’t forget that the hand that will stroke your right leg in the movie house won’t be your partner’s.

Career:

“Brieves” is not the plural word for “brief”, just like “hice” for “house”. Check your spelling before replying to emails. You might lose the client.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will receive a text message that you won a million bucks via electronic raffle and of course you won’t believe it. But it will be too late for you to know that it was actually real.

Love:

The person in the mall who will first greet and sell you a Life Insurance will be your future husband. So smile, flirt a little, and say “No, thank you honey”.

Career:

This week will be a lucky one because your boss will be on leave. You’ll have more time sleeping in your cubicle and more attempts figuring out the password to your Friendster account.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

A very random week. You will step on a dog’s poop while riding a bike in the stairs. Always take the elevator because hunger isn’t always the right way to decide if you will cut your hair or not. Call your dad while looking for a Paracetamol in the hardware store because the heat will be troublesome. Blue baby bra. Milk.

Love:

Learn to appreciate the small things that your partner will do. Those are the last good things that you will share together as a couple before he/she dumps you and admits that he/she had an affair with your cousin.

Career:

You will finally be called for a job interview when you remove your 2×2 picture on your resume.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 18)

This is the right time to stop partying every night and getting wasted after. Your parents’ words will finally sink into your mind and you will understand why they still treat you as their sweet and innocent little baby girl.

Love:

The bad thing: your parents will get angry for sure. The good thing: he will not run away from his obligations.

Career:

You will have all the support your boss can give you. The company will help you with the hospital bills and will give you a long maternity leave.

Pieces

(February 19 – March 20)

Having pimples is indeed a part of growing up. Don’t be embarrassed about it and stop covering half of your face with your handkerchief while commuting. Too much pressure from your hands will pop the swollen one on your nose. Bring extra tissue papers and band aids.

Love:

Try to brush your teeth thrice a day. That will surely change the way your partner kisses and hugs you. It will also prolong the relationship.

Career:

In order to stay longer in the company, avoid the events and people around you. The dinner on Wednesday isn’t free anyway and everything that you will eat and drink will be deducted on your salary. Your office mates don’t like you too so go home early and just watch your new DVDs. Again, don’t forget to brush your teeth before sleeping.

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